Before I became a full-time mom, I worked for a major retailer in the corporate office. I worked there for 13 years. It was my first "real" job. My only "real" job. You know, the kind where you work a consistent 40 hour week, get benefits, an office--or in my case, a cubicle, and have a steady pay check. Well, the last few years there were not good. My coworkers--girls I consider to be good friends--and I were victims of very poor management. While I can't speak for all of those girls, I feel pretty confident they'd agree with me that our professional lives were a joke. I was miserable, depressed, and I allowed that place and the situation turn me into a bitter young woman whose outlook on life and people was cynical to say the least.
After the twins came along, the stress of trying to balance the care of three little ones under the age of 3 and that life-sucking job was too much and I quit. In February of next year it will be two years since I said good-bye to the working world and hello to full-time motherhood.
Today I heard from one of my dearest friends that still works for that company. There have been many changes in the department where I worked since I left and my friend has faced them all with tenacity and patience. Last week she finally received a much-deserved and long overdue promotion. I truly could not be happier for her. I know firsthand all the junk and the mess and the frustrations she's dealt with up to this point and I admire her perseverance.
But her good news has left me wondering, what am I doing? Seriously, WHAT AM I DOING? I think about her and I envy the fact that she still has this piece of her life that's just for her. This piece is hers to build on, shape, change, whatever she wants. When you're a stay-at-home mom, nothing is just yours. You share and you sacrifice everything--your time, your privacy, your looks, your relationships, your sanity, your confidence. In essence, it can also be a life-sucking job. And somehow I feel like I'm being left behind.
I don't mean to complain. This was my choice. But I feel like I'm at another crossroads in my life. What am I doing? I know working in a corporate setting isn't for me. And I know I need more to my life than just being a mom. And after the morning I had with the twins, I'm not so sure I'm very good at being "mom" anyway.
Sometimes I overwhelm myself thinking about all the various things I COULD do. My mind gets so clouded with different ideas it's like trying to look for the bottom of a muddy puddle--impossible to see for all the dirt and matter floating around. It's maddening and in the meantime, my wheels are spinning as I change diapers, wash dirty hands, kiss boo-boos, play referee, chauffeur, maid, chef. Oh yeah, and playing wife is somewhere in there, too. And so while life seems to be going on around me in fast-forward, I never. go. anywhere.
Then the self-doubt creeps in and I wonder if I'm cut out for anything other than the multitasking I do to make others' lives a little easier. But I feel like there's got to be something for me. I don't think God would have given me the fire in my belly to find it if there wasn't. It's just that the search is so frustrating. It's hard to believe that at almost 38 years old, I'm still struggling to figure out who I am. GRRRR!
But in the midst of my mom-life crisis, I'm just going to continue to pray that whatever "it" is for me will be revealed and that I won't be too clueless or busy to realize it.
