Conflicted

I just realized today that my 20 year HS reunion is in 9 months.  And I'm really having trouble making sense of how I feel about this.  I find it hard not to immediately think of the standard cliches dealing with aging and the passing of time.  I really hate to go there in my writing but I really can't think of any other way to articulate how I feel.  In some ways, 20 years has truly flown by.  Some of my memories from high school are so vivid, it's as if they happened yesterday and while I'm still young at heart, I have to remind myself that I'm not as young as I think (or feel) I am anymore.  But in other ways, so much has happened to me in these 20 years that thinking about it all overwhelms me and makes me tired.  Like I've done a lifetime's-worth of living in 20 years.  And I can't decide if being 20 years older is a good thing or not.  I mean, it's certainly better than the alternative, but aren't we all supposed to want to be 'forever young' as the song suggests?

So does this mean I'm on the brink of a mid-life crisis?  I don't know.  Father Time is messing with me and surely he's getting a chuckle out of it at my expense.

All I really know is that I'm conflicted.  Conflicted not only about how I feel about being out of high school for 20 years, but also about what I've done with that time I was given.  What have I accomplished?  Has it really meant anything to me and to others?  If I died tomorrow, what would people say about me and my life?  I feel like I've done okay for myself but according to whom?  What standards do I use to evaluate these things?  I think what stands out the most as I reflect on this is that practically every decision I have ever made in my life has been based on the reliance of my own "wisdom".  I hardly ever went to God in prayer about anything.  I never prayed about what college I should attend, what major I should choose, if I should go to graduate school or not, and for 13 long years, I didn't pray about the awful, bitter feelings I had about the one and only real job I ever had.  I never sought His guidance and I think that's pretty significant (and not in a good way).  I've just been kind of muddling through life living off the fruits of dumb luck which incidentally aren't that great.  This is not how I want to live the next 20 years of my life.  I want more.  I want authentic purpose--the kind that I believe only God can help me find--so that perhaps I can go to my 40 year reunion with amazing stories to share!